Guilt Gifts

Ever been in an abusive relationship, or had a fight with someone, and then that someone feels bad and decides to give you a gift to make up for it? I call those guilt gifts. They're a way to show that someone feels bad/guilty without them putting in the emotional effort of actually addressing what's wrong in the relationship. Now, some people DO talk things out when they give reparation presents, and then those aren't guilt gifts. I'd call those ice breakers that lead to reconciliation.

A guilt gift is specifically when someone realizes that they did or said something to hurt or offend you and want to shower you with gifts to prove that they still love you despite whatever it is that they did or said, or to get you to shut up about whatever you have a problem with, or to assuage their own guilty conscience and has nothing to actually do with you.

Now, you could argue that the fact that they're giving you a gift at all is very generous and really does show that they're trying to make amends. But if the person still doesn't address the source of the hurt, then it's pretty meaningless. I've been given too many guilt gifts in my life to trust them.

To me, a true desire to make amends has to involve mending the relationship, which generally takes communication and a willingness to listen without censure. Gifts, no matter how expensive or needed, can't make up for loss of trust in a relationship (unless, perhaps, your love language is gifts; then, I don't know what to tell you). And it can be frustrating, because you want to acknowledge the thoughtfulness of the gift, but you also want the actual issues addressed.

I should also probably clarify that I'm not talking about a conversation of, "Honey, you never buy me anything, or get the things we really need," followed up by a gift. I'm talking about, "What you said really hurt me, and I would like to see if we can make better communication," followed up with a gift instead of a conversation.

Armed with this knowledge, what can you do if someone hands you guilt gifts instead of addressing the actual problems in a relationship? I'm not an expert, so I can't really say. Do you accept the gifts? Do you not accept them? Do you keep trying to establish good communication? Do you leave it alone? These are really hard questions.

Personally, I'm never satisfied with guilt gifts. Yeah, they kind of feel nice because it at least says that the person recognizes that SOMETHING isn't right in what's going on, and sometimes the gifts are things that I really need, but they don't make up for lack of communication for me. To me, it feels less like the person is trying to help stitch up the bleeding gash in our relationship, and more like they're just trying to slap a band-aid on it when stitches are needed. The best way to make amends with someone is to communicate with them on THEIR level and to figure out how THEY feel loved. Otherwise, it's more about you than it is about them.

Giving me gifts doesn't tell me you listened to what I said. Actually listening to me and actively working WITH me to fix things is what tells me you listened to what I said.

If something you've said or done has hurt someone, don't just throw gifts at their heads and expect them to feel loved. Give the gifts of time and a listening ear to your loved ones. Give the gift of change. And if you can't find a middle ground to tread, maybe give the gift of space so that both of you can work things out on your own before trying again.

That's just my two cents worth on it. Cheers.