If you missed my first post about "Why Your Chronically Ill Friends Don't Ask for Help," be sure to check it out! All links will be posted at the bottom of the page!
Since I published the first post, more ideas have come up on this particular topic. So here we go!
10. Some of Us Used to Be Able
You may think of chronic illness as something that was always there, but not so. For a good chunk of people, chronic illness only began setting in later in life. Which means a lot of us were used to living fairly normal lives before the illness hit. That makes it extra difficult when asking for help because we used to be able to do the things we now need help with. Sometimes we still haven't come to grips with our inability to do or handle things. It takes extra TLC to handle those particular changes.
11. We Know We Need Help . . . but We Don't Know with What
You can laugh if you want to, but it's true. We don't always know what we need help with, or what we most need help with. It's overwhelming thinking about all the things we need to do but can't, and it's hard to know what to get other people to help with us. And then, there are also some things that we have to care of ourselves. It can be tricky to know where to draw the lines.
12. We Don't Feel like Ourselves
We live in a fog that comes and goes, that drifts and blows. We get cranky, anxious, depressed, manic--and we don't feel like other people will want to deal with that. We don't want to deal with it ourselves. It's hard exposing yourself and your raw, ill emotions to other people. We know these emotions aren't who we are, that our illness isn't who we are, but it feels like that's all that's left of us. Because of that, it's difficult to feel up to asking anyone to help. We don't want to deal with it, and we don't expect anyone else to want to deal with it.
13. It's Hard Handing Over the Reigns
This one is one that some of us can probably learn to get over, but anyone with anxiety can tell you that the struggle is SUPER real. When you're sick, you generally want familiar, comforting things around you. Things need to be a certain way in order for you to rest.
Inviting someone else into your home to clean or keep you company or whatever else you need upsets that balance. Personally, I even struggle having my husband or the sister who lives with us take care of things when I'm ill. Even though they're the closest people to me, they still can't get everything exactly the way I like it. When I'm feeling less ill, that's not a problem. But when the illness flares up, it can be really anxietous to let other people take care of things, even when I need them to.
14. We're Embarrassed about Our Living Situation
Chronically ill people don't always live in great circumstances. Being ill takes a lot of money, which, as mentioned in my previous post, is difficult to obtain. Government assistance only goes so far, family assistance only goes so far, and working isn't always possible. So we're often really poor, and it makes it extra difficult because we feel the sting of poverty too sharply when other people are over.
Aside from the financial part, though, there's also the fact that our homes, and we ourselves, are not always clean. Hygiene and home care are really difficult to maintain when you feel like actual garbage that's been run through the blender. Yes, that is the very reason why we need help, but it also puts a barrier on us asking for help. We don't want our friends to be disgusted with us and not want to be around us.
15. We Don't Know How to Repay You
Most of the people we know probably wouldn't ask for anything in return for the help we're given, but we still feel an obligation to repay the kindness that's shown to us. That's normal, right? To give back once you've been given?
We worry that people will ask us to actually pay them, when we don't have the money; or that they'll want a favor in return, when we can't return the favor. Feeling obligated is a hard feeling to get over or work through, especially when we've been given so much by so many people. Thanking people feels like weak recompense for tackling that mountain of dishes or making sure our kid(s) doesn't die for a number of hours or days. We WANT to repay you for your help. We just worry that we can't . . . ever.
And so . . .
I encourage those of you who are well to talk to your friends with chronic illness and listen and watch for what their needs are. Some needs are less obvious than others, but I promise that if you take the time and energy to look after your ill friends, even just a little, you will have our hearts and friendship forever. And whenever we do have more health/time/energy ourselves, we will do whatever we can to pay you back or pay it forward. We can be especially good at listening, since that's the most of what we can do some days, so feel free to talk to us back when we're up for it!
We are often really lonely, and knowing that someone is there for us without us begging is SO meaningful for us. We know we can be a burden. We know we're not always easy to deal with because our brains and bodies don't work right, but we're trying. We are honestly trying.
We love life. We also want to live it the best that we can, even if it means living it differently than how you think we should. Please be patient with us and remember that, even though we're ill, we have very real feelings, just like you do.
Fam, I love you. I love the stories of people who have helped others or received help from others. So, please, share your positive experiences of giving and receiving help! I want to hear them. Let's make the world a little bit brighter one post at a time.
Cheers~
Here's the previous post: https://rosewindjulia.blogspot.com/2019/11/why-your-chronically-ill-friends-dont.html
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