Why Your Chronically Ill Friends Don't Ask for Help

The phrase "let me know if you need anything" is one very commonly thrown around in United States culture. It's well-meant, often sincere, and a way that people try to show that they care. Unfortunately, it also doesn't work the way it is intended. Most people who are chronically ill and really need the help don't ask for it. Here's why:

1. We Always Need Help
Chronically ill people . . . well, they always need something. Or at least, a good chunk of the time. That's one of the downsides of being chronically ill: the illness is pretty much always there, which means that the afflicted people generally always need help in some capacity or another. There is always a need that could be met, some more obvious than others.

So if chronically ill people always have a need, why don't they just say that?

2. We Don't Want to be a Burden
You ever hear those stories of really needy people who ALWAYS seem to be asking for stuff but don't ever seem to be doing anything to fix their situation? Chronically ill people don't want to be seen as one of those people. We don't want our friends and family to get tired of helping us. We don't want to wear out the help wagon, even when we literally can't get out of bed for pain/discomfort/fatigue or the other dozen ways we're suffering. It's better to do things ourselves rather than risk becoming a burden.

3. We Get Turned Down . . . A Lot
People will say "let me know if you need anything," but reality is pretty different. I have personally experienced rejection MANY times when I've actually plucked up the courage to ask for help. Can you think of the number one reason why that might be?

It's time.

People may offer their help, but when it comes down to it, very few of those people actually ever feel like they have the time to help. It doesn't matter whether it's babysitting, cleaning, cooking, or just having a companion around, most people don't feel like they have time to help with any of it. Even family can be guilty of pushing off helping someone with chronic illness if it doesn't fit their schedule. They have time to offer help but not to give it.

4. Society Tells Us We're Useless
That header pretty much sums it up.

A good chunk of chronically ill people can't work, or can only work part-time hours. It's really hard, even impossible, to have a livable income with those kind of restrictions. Society tells us that if we don't work, we're just parasites feeding off the hard work of honest people.

But we're honest . . . aren't we?

Even some of the people closest to us espouse the idea that those who don't work don't deserve to eat, never dreaming that we internalize that to mean US, that they're talking about US. It makes it really difficult to ask for help from people who think we're trash, that we're not trying hard enough, or that all we need to do is change this or that in order to be well again. Chronic illness manifests in everyone so differently and takes its toll on different levels. Some of us can work with the same illness that completely wrecks others. It creates a huge hit to self-esteem and self-worth because not all of us can do what other people can. It makes us feel like we don't even deserve to ask for help.

We are scared of being seen as weak, unable, whiny. Because that's what society tells us we are if we constantly ask for help.

5. Our Minds and Bodies Are Our Own Worse Enemies
Asking for help actually takes more energy than you think it might. People with anxiety, depression, or fatigue can find it nearly impossible to raise up enough pluck to ask for help, even when desperate. It's exhausting trying to figure out who you can ask, when, what kind of help you need in a given moment, what to do if people turn you down. It's enough to not even want to start the process and just deal with whatever problem until it gets easier--if it gets easier. You doubt yourself. You doubt the sincerity of your loved ones. You doubt you're worthiness. Sometimes your brain shuts down before you can even pick up the phone.

Oh, yeah. I almost forgot. Even just picking up the phone can be painful/exhausting.

It's a vicious cycle.

6. People Don't Think We're Ill
"But you look healthy" is one of my least favorite phrases to hear from, well, anyone. I have had friends and doctors alike dismiss how I'm feeling by how I'm looking. It is hard as all get out to get people to believe in something they can't see, including our illnesses. Most chronic illnesses CAN'T be seen, except maybe by some of the side symptoms. Weight loss, weight gain, obvious swelling, redness, hair loss--these are all super visible signs that can signify illness, but not all of us have those signs.

Having to prove we're ill, and thus "deserving" of help, is degrading, exhausting, and discouraging. We won't ask for help if we're always demanded to prove it. People may fake being ill, but it's not as common as media and government would have you think. Let me tell you, faking the kind of problems I have would waste way more energy than I could fathom.

7. We Don't Want a Lecture
You know what DOESN'T help someone with chronic illness? Telling them the million and one things they could do differently. Trust me, we've already heard them all. From diet, to sleep, to CBD, to essential oils, to acupuncture, exercise, going outside more, attitude, getting government help, getting help from other family, and on and on and on.

It's overwhelming. And scary. And frustrating.

We don't like asking for help because we don't want to hear it . . . again. Some of these things really work, and some of them don't. Chances are, we've tried a lot of them. Sometimes we're taking a break between new therapies.

Ultimately, a lecture is NOT what we need by way of help.

8. The Other People We Trust Are Also Ill
It's true that you attract people with similar interests, tastes, and chronic health problems. A lot of us don't ask for help because the people we WOULD turn to are also ill, and we don't want to overburden them. Having a mutually-ill support group is great!

Until we're all too ill to help each other.

9. Some of Our Problems Are Really Weird
Again, the header kind of sums it up. Some of us really hate having to explain the specific reasons of why we're asking for help. And this is different from not wanting to prove we're sick. Even with people who believe that we're ill, it can be awkward to have to explain the details of what's wrong. We don't want to put ourselves in an embarrassing conversation. It's sometimes easier to just avoid it altogether.


And so . . .
I'm not here to tell you what to do with this information. I also struggle with figuring out how to help other people even when I feel awful. What you do is up to you. You know your friends. It's not always easy to figure out what someone else's needs are, especially if those needs are internal needs, not external needs. But it's worth it to try.

There's a talk I love by a previous President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints that addresses this topic. It was given by President Monson in October 2001. President Monson says,

"Let us ask ourselves the questions: “Have I done any good in the world today? Have I helped anyone in need?” What a formula for happiness! What a prescription for contentment, for inner peace—to have inspired gratitude in another human being.

Our opportunities to give of ourselves are indeed limitless, but they are also perishable. There are hearts to gladden. There are kind words to say. There are gifts to be given. There are deeds to be done. There are souls to be saved. . . .

My brothers and sisters, may we resolve from this day forward to fill our hearts with love. May we go the extra mile to include in our lives any who are lonely or downhearted or who are suffering in any way. May we '[cheer] up the sad and [make] someone feel glad.'¹¹ May we live so that when that final summons is heard, we may have no serious regrets, no unfinished business, but will be able to say with the Apostle Paul, 'I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith.'"

Don't wait for your friends and loved ones to ask for help. Offer it! Let them know you are sincere by how you treat them, not just by what you say. If you really want to help, take the burden of asking for help off their shoulders. Sometimes even just that is lifesaving.


I hope that this will help people understand their chronically ill loved ones better, and I hope it helps you who are chronically ill feel seen. I see you, fam. 💓 I know the struggle to ask for help. I feel it almost every day. All I can offer you are the words "Keep going." There are people out there who love you, who care for you, who are rooting for you. Healing may never come, but the burden CAN become lighter or easier as you go. You can still be you. You can find yourself again. You can find a new self that is NOT your illness.


You have worth.


You have value.


You are still beautiful.


And know that at least this sicko loves you. 💓


Cheers~


Here's the link to the talk, for anyone interested: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2001/10/now-is-the-time?para=p12-p14&lang=eng


Also, if anyone wants to send me other reasons why they don't like asking for help, I will add them and expound them, either in this post or in a part II.