The first thing you should know is that everybody is different. When our chronic illnesses flare up, we tend to be even more different. As mentioned previously, even people with the same chronic illness can experience it so differently because their bodies and environments, and their very own selves, are different. Everybody's needs are gonna be different, which means you will help each of your friends differently.
But don't despair!
There are still plenty of things you can do that are fairly consistent from person to person!
1. Listen
Listening is one of the best things you can do in ANY relationship, let alone ones with your chronically ill friends. Listening is more than just absorbing someone's voice into your ear drums; it's actively paying attention to the words, expressions, and emotions being directed toward you from someone else. Listening involves letting go of the things YOU want to say so that you can give your complete focus to what the other person is saying. Listening is reserving judgment until the other person has finished speaking and is ready for your input, if that is what they need/desire.
Some people with chronic illness are chronic talkers about their problems. They like to air our their challenges and basically wear them like a badge of honor, or a way to have distinction. That can be really difficult to deal with. However, most of your chronically ill friends aren't like that. Most of us don't often talk about our problems, or at least not in a way that is deep and discusses our needs.
So listen. Dig deep. Instead of just listening about our problems, listen for our fears, concerns, and desires. That's where our needs are. Sometimes we need comfort, sometimes we need willing hands to lighten our loads, sometimes we need a sounding board for our problems so we can figure things out on our own. Just listen.
2. Look
A lot of times, you can figure out what someone needs just by opening your eyes. Do they seem exhausted? In pain? Anxious? While not all emotional illnesses are visible, some of them are. We tend to know our friends better than we think we do. We are familiar with their idiosyncrasies and the atmospheres around them. Instinctively, we can often feel if something is off. Trust that. Really look at your friends.
If they are comfortable having you in their homes, take a look around. Are there dishes sitting by the sink? Are their children running around without much supervision and your friend is too fatigued to chase them down? Do some of the rooms look like they could use some sprucing up? Does their fridge or pantry look frighteningly barren? Are their clothes looking shabby?
Chronic illness is always accompanied by physical signs of distress, even if they aren't visible on the person themselves.
Read that again.
Being chronically ill means that some things slip through the cracks of the day-to-day grind. That means there will always be something to find. Even if it's small. Look for those things.
3. Learn About Their Illness
Listening is a HUGE part of this, but not necessarily the only part. We tend to be experts about our own illnesses because a) we are personally experiencing them and b) we do a lot of our own research, either from doctors or at-home study. Listening to us is a great way to learn about our illnesses, but I would also invite you to do your own research, too! Find blogs of people who share illnesses with your friends, ask other friends, Google it. Don't leave explanation to us alone! It is actually exhausting to have to spell things out to people every time. Research it yourself, and you will be much better prepared to handle the challenges of helping your friends.
If your friends have fairly unique conditions that don't have an official title or a lot of research, check out some of the symptoms your friend is experiencing. Even without knowing about the main problems, being able to assist in symptom maintenance is very helpful. Example, if a person suffers from fibromyalgia (which is getting more common and having more studies done about it, but still not very well known), you could look up things about fatigue or whole body pain to better understand what your friend is going through. If it's something like a food intolerance, you can look up different things that that food appears in.
There is SO MUCH information that goes into many chronic illnesses. We by no means expect our friends and families to become experts about our problems, but it is extremely nice and helpful to not have to start at zero every time we're discussing our illnesses with people.
4. Be Flexible
This may not always be possible depending on the plans you make, or the expectations you have, but it is necessary to practice when having a relationship with someone who is chronically ill.
We cancel plans . . . a lot. Our bodies and minds are not always predictable. If it's frustrating for you, imagine how much more frustrating it is for the person who can never be sure of any plans ever of working out because of health concerns. For you, it's maybe one or two things that can be iffy in planning. For them, it's everything.
We realize that not everything can be flexible. We will have many missed opportunities. There will be memories that won't be made. But please, if you can be flexible, do. It makes a world of difference to us knowing that there's one less thing we have to be anxious about. (Anxiety, by the way, worsens pretty much every chronic illness ever. Helping lessen anxiety is one of the best ways you can help your chronically ill friends.)
5. Be Patient
Trust me when I say that we lose patience with ourselves far harder and faster than you can lose patience with us. We hate being ill. We hate not being able to do things. We are learning patience with ourselves and learning what our needs are. One thing you can do to help us is demonstrate patience with us.
For me, personally, my husband's patience is one of the most healing things he does with me. He is one of the most patient people I know, and it always helps. Knowing that I don't have to fret (I tend to anyway, but I don't actually have to around him) is freeing. I don't have to wonder that I'm too much or being too crazy in my illness. He just walks through it with me.
I'm so grateful, and I love him so much for it.
6. Don't Judge How Bad it Is by How Good it Can Be
Not all of us are super ill all the time. It can come and go. Sometimes, we can have amazing days where we accomplish everything that we need to, we're social, we're vibrant, and it seems like we could keep going forever.
Don't judge us by those days.
Those days are the sun rays slashing out from an overcast sky. Eventually, the clouds will come again. And while those good days can be really, really good, our bad days can still be really, really bad. And those bad days tend to last longer and affect us more than those good days.
Even when we have a lot of good days in a row, it doesn't mean our illness isn't as serious as we say it is. I can have a month of awesome days and then fall right back into weeks of awful days. Other chronically ill people can share similar experiences.
Good days don't erase the bad ones.
7. Don't Try to Fix Everything
There's a hard truth to chronic illnesses: they can't always be fixed. You can't always make it better.
Take it one day at a time. Helping someone with chronic illness is a lesson in perseverance. You'll get discouraged sometimes. You may think you're making things worse. It may seem like there isn't a point in continuing.
Remember that the person or people you're helping are also taking it one step at a time. Every little thing you do is helpful. Every little thing you do helps the person in need. I cannot stress enough how alone and vulnerable we feel EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Knowing that you are there to help even in just one way is life saving. We don't expect you to solve all of our problems, so don't expect it of yourself. Just be there for us.
8. Don't Try to Do Everything Yourself
You know how people say it takes a village to raise a child? Well, chronically ill people feel like we're babies: we're in need of so much but can do so very little ourselves. It is not healthy, nor physically possible, for one person to handle all the needs of a chronically ill person.
It is way too easy to fall in to toxic relationships by always being the ONLY person your chronically ill friend or friends turn to for help. Setting boundaries is okay! Helping your friend(s) seek other help is okay! If your ill loved ones don't accept the help of other people, that is on them. It is not actually up to you to figure out all the needs of one person.
Even as a married person, I recognize that my husband is not able to be the sole provider of my needs when I'm ill. He has work and school and his own concerns. It is not physically or emotionally possible for him to be here all the time to help me when my illness flares up. It is SO very important to have other friends and family to turn to when help is needed.
Don't take the whole burden on yourself. In the end, it will only hurt you and the people you're trying to help.
And so . . .
Dealing with chronic illness isn't easy for anyone involved, but you CAN help!
These skills don't come overnight. They take time. Not only is it important to have patience with those who are ill, it is important to have patience with yourself as you learn the things you need to learn to help other people. It takes time to create your toolkit for helping the chronically ill. But taking that time is eternally worth it.
Healing takes love: loving yourself and other people. The biggest way you can help your friends is to love them. Really, truly love them. Take the time for them. Be there for them. Find ways for them to get the help they need, from you or from other people. Encourage them. Keep walking with them, no matter how long the road may seem.
I love my friends and family who have helped me on my journey. I have learned so much from them as I've watched how they have helped me, and it's given me the courage to seek how to help others.
So take heart! You really can help your friends! May your efforts to help be met with good fruits, and may you have the capacity to learn and love. 💙
Cheers~
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